Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Today's topic...Rain
"Into every life a little rain must fall" is a quote my Mother used frequently when we were younger. Of course the statement was meant to be taken figuratively not literally.
Today I am taking it literally. Rain falls. Outside my window right now the rain is coming down in buckets. Where snow gently tapped at my window a few weeks ago hard rain now pounds.
What the weather is doing outside mirrors what I feel on the inside. When I do let my emotions run freely the resulting embarrassment convinces me that I must work harder to keep the fence around them. Panic attacks, fear and anxiety overwhelm me. Sometimes it feels like I have a 300 pound rock sitting on my chest, I can barely breathe and I definitely cannot relax. The only outlet is tears. Lots of tears. Tears I cannot control.
Thus I prefer to stay hidden in my bedroom, nobody in here cares what I look like, how I behave, what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I can't let anyone down in here, be a source of shame or a burden to anyone. Here I am safe. Here I can be quiet. Here my mind can race without interruption.
Depression is a big, black hole. Every now and again the sun shines in through the cracks of the rocks that line the walls of the hole but for the most part it is a dark place with little life, little acceptance and no joy.
I don't want people I love to come down in this hole with me. I want to know that they will be there when I am able to find my own way out. It's hard, I think, for my family to understand this. How can this be explained with any sense of logic attached to it? The answer is that it can't. This is not logical, I know that. It is what it is.
I
"Into every life a little rain must fall" is a quote my Mother used frequently when we were younger. Of course the statement was meant to be taken figuratively not literally.
Today I am taking it literally. Rain falls. Outside my window right now the rain is coming down in buckets. Where snow gently tapped at my window a few weeks ago hard rain now pounds.
What the weather is doing outside mirrors what I feel on the inside. When I do let my emotions run freely the resulting embarrassment convinces me that I must work harder to keep the fence around them. Panic attacks, fear and anxiety overwhelm me. Sometimes it feels like I have a 300 pound rock sitting on my chest, I can barely breathe and I definitely cannot relax. The only outlet is tears. Lots of tears. Tears I cannot control.
Thus I prefer to stay hidden in my bedroom, nobody in here cares what I look like, how I behave, what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I can't let anyone down in here, be a source of shame or a burden to anyone. Here I am safe. Here I can be quiet. Here my mind can race without interruption.
Depression is a big, black hole. Every now and again the sun shines in through the cracks of the rocks that line the walls of the hole but for the most part it is a dark place with little life, little acceptance and no joy.
I don't want people I love to come down in this hole with me. I want to know that they will be there when I am able to find my own way out. It's hard, I think, for my family to understand this. How can this be explained with any sense of logic attached to it? The answer is that it can't. This is not logical, I know that. It is what it is.
I
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Years Eve..Almost 2009
I'm baaaack...
It's been many months since I posted the first entry on this blog. I think it's time to pick it up again.
The beginning of another New Year...wow, 2009 already? Where did the time go? Did I make any resolutions? In a word, NOPE! I have decided that since I can find enough reasons to kick myself all over the room I would leave the resolution making to those who are likely to be successful at keeping them.
Looking back at the year that was I can honestly say that 2009 has a pretty good chance of being a much better year. There are some interesting things to look forward to, an African American President for one. I'm not sure where the line divides the man from the hype but with any luck the hype is pretty close to reality.
My wish list for the New Year is simple.
I don't want anything for me. Take all good that might be slated for me this year and give it to a child in need. That any child lives in the midst of war, is malnourished, abused, enslaved or worse is proof that we humans are not as humane as we like to believe we are.
I'd like my family to stop worrying about me. I've lived through some fairly tough days and since I made it through them I am likely to make it through the next year.
I'd like Benji to live another year at least. With luck he has many more furry fuzzball years left to entertain me, he's made it five long years since being adopted by me and we didn't expect that.
I'd like my family to stay safe and be happy. There are some days to come that I am not looking forward to seeing, the best I can hope for is that whatever happens will happen for the best.
That's it for now...It's officially January 1, 2009 and I need to get some sleep...I've been averaging not more than 4 hrs per night for the last couple of months, that simply isn't enough!!! Beauty sleep is underrated as far as I'm concerned!
Happy New Year....
Lynn
It's been many months since I posted the first entry on this blog. I think it's time to pick it up again.
The beginning of another New Year...wow, 2009 already? Where did the time go? Did I make any resolutions? In a word, NOPE! I have decided that since I can find enough reasons to kick myself all over the room I would leave the resolution making to those who are likely to be successful at keeping them.
Looking back at the year that was I can honestly say that 2009 has a pretty good chance of being a much better year. There are some interesting things to look forward to, an African American President for one. I'm not sure where the line divides the man from the hype but with any luck the hype is pretty close to reality.
My wish list for the New Year is simple.
I don't want anything for me. Take all good that might be slated for me this year and give it to a child in need. That any child lives in the midst of war, is malnourished, abused, enslaved or worse is proof that we humans are not as humane as we like to believe we are.
I'd like my family to stop worrying about me. I've lived through some fairly tough days and since I made it through them I am likely to make it through the next year.
I'd like Benji to live another year at least. With luck he has many more furry fuzzball years left to entertain me, he's made it five long years since being adopted by me and we didn't expect that.
I'd like my family to stay safe and be happy. There are some days to come that I am not looking forward to seeing, the best I can hope for is that whatever happens will happen for the best.
That's it for now...It's officially January 1, 2009 and I need to get some sleep...I've been averaging not more than 4 hrs per night for the last couple of months, that simply isn't enough!!! Beauty sleep is underrated as far as I'm concerned!
Happy New Year....
Lynn
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Day one of Blogging for me. I'm a complete neophyte at this but looking forward to learning more and making this blog an interesting one. My goal today was just to get the page set up, so I'm off now to do some research into how to personalize and add content etc. Please come back and visit this blog again soon...it will be much improved over today....I promise! PS...The title of this blog says it all...this is about Life in a Nut's Shell! Happy Blogging all, Lynn
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